Not Quite Sure If I'm Ready to Say Goodbye
by fakeituntilyoumakeit
Summary: "Its because of you Ned, Benjen thinks bitterly. He never left because he can't imagine a life without you in it." Modern AU: Brandon/Catelyn/Ned.


**Forgive me for any mistakes, I had sudden inspiration and I just had to post this.**

* * *

**It's because he loves you, Ned, He thinks bitterly.**

**Because he can't imagine life without you in it.**

* * *

The one thought that lingers in Benjen Starks head is that it is entirely unfair that Ned gets to be the best man. Benjen is left being a plain old groomsman, a title he has to share with that smug idiot Edmure Tully. He knows its childish, and its Brandons wedding so he can do as he pleases, and assign roles as he pleases, but it's still not fair. Ned is the least close to Brandon out of all of them – hell, Lyanna should have been chosen before Ned. Not that he assumed Ned would mess up, or shirk his duties; Ned was nothing if not dutiful. It's just that Ned wasn't even around during their childhood, around the parts where he could have bonded with his brothers. Not that it was Ned's fault – he hadn't asked to be sent away to an all boys boarding school – but the choice bites still bites at his pride.

He can see his sister on the other side of Catelyn Tully, eying someone in the crowd with interest. Benjen doesn't have to turn to know its Rhaegar Targaryen. Benjen had been cheated in _that _wedding as well. He wasn't even invited! Him! He who was so close to Lyanna people mistook them for twins. They'd run off in the middle of the night to Vegas, got hitched, and she arrived home a year later with a newborn son, and a big flashy ring on her finger. The usurper, Robert Baratheon – Lyanna's long time boyfriend and Neds best friend who had usurped the bonds of his _real _brothers – had been pissed beyond measure, but as usual, had turned to alcohol and women to sooth his broken heart. Elia Martell, who'd been just about to marry Rhaegar Targaryen before he'd run off with Lyanna had refused to believe he would betray her like that.

Benjen is so caught up in his thoughts; he completely misses the kiss between his eldest brother and his brand new wife. Brandon is smiling triumphantly, looking out at the crowd in a happy daze. Benjen is unsurprised, Brandon's always devoted himself wholly to whatever caught his fancy, at least, until something else more interesting walked by. This time appears to be different, it's been almost a year since his brothers obsession with Catelyn Tully had emerged, and his eye has yet to stray.

Inattentive as he might be, he does not miss that the newly dubbed Catelyn Stark is not gazing at her husband, but at one of the groomsmen. At first, Benjen assumes she's locked eyes with her brother, but soon realizes Edmure is busy whispering in the ear of one of the bridesmaids. He then realizes that the affectionate, desperate, wild eyes of his new sister are locked with Ned's, whose spine is as straight as an arrow.

Though Benjen is curious, he is soon linking arms with Lysa Tully and being escorted up the aisle, thoughts of Cat and Ned forgotten.

...

Lyanna notices the odd closeness between Ned and Catelyn over a long period of time. It's not blindingly obvious, nor is it carefully hidden. It's hidden in plain sight, obvious if you look just enough but invisible if inspected too closely.

It's when Brandon and Catelyn have their first fight because predictably, Brandons eye has began to wander, and Ned rushes to Catelyn instead of his older brother. This is when Lyanna begins her observations on the relationship between the two.

It's when Catelyn is pregnant. Ned lingers over her as if Benjen will leap towards her wielding his butter knife like a sword. He fetches her water, or food, or anything she requires because her feet ache from the extra weight of the baby.

It's when they're at the super market, and a woman cheerfully asks Catelyn how far along she is. Winterfell is a small town, so Lyanna is still treated with a hushed scorn – her and Rhaegar's marriage was the most shocking scandal ever to happen in the bleak, sleepy town – and the woman completely ignores her presence. Instead she turns to Ned, questioning him about being a father for the first time and if he prefers once sex or the other. Her brother doesn't seem to understand at first, but goes red as a cherry as soon as if dawns on him that the woman before him thinks he's Cat's husband. Her brother stutters and waves his hands, but Lyanna is not blind to the wistful look in Ned's eyes or the bitter longing in Catelyn's forgiving smile.

Lyanna knows the look in her brother's eyes. She's seen it once before, directed at the lovely Ashara Dayne. Ned and Ashara had when Ned returned from Boarding School. A close friend of Rhaegars previous fiancé, she was always lingering around. Her first attraction had been to Brandon, but had quickly shifted to Ned after their first encounter. Lyanna can still remember the spark in his usually solemn eyes as he told her of a girl who`d actually chosen _him_ over Brandon. So it makes her inexplicably sad that the woman Ned has fallen for was unwilling and unable to choose him over his brother, and this new shrunken, sad version of her brother slowly breaks her heart.

...

Robb is born in the middle of a blizzard, and Ned is the only one able to get to the hospital.

Brandon arrives thirty minutes after the birth of his son.

He pretends not to see the hastily withdrawn hands of his wife and brother.

...

Ned and Lyanna are Robb's godparents, and she beams at Rhaegar, whose holding their own gurgling son Jon in his lap. She hopes Jon grows up strong, and recognizes the bond between family is the most important of all. Until she gives him a real younger brother to play with, he'll have to make do with Robb. She looks down at her nephew, resting in Ned's arms. He's entirely Tully in feature, from his red curls to his tiny nose, but there is something of Brandon is his long body, his narrow chin. He wails like Brandon, and Lyanna dubs it his wolf blood coming forth, something that amuses Benjen to no end.

Lyanna isn't blind to Ned's fierce grip on Robb.

...

Rickard Stark sees all, but says nothing. When Sansa arrives just one short year after Robb, he sees the difference between babes within seconds. Robb was always fussing, cooing, crying, demanding attention yet demanding everything else at the same time. The wolf blood is strong in his grandson, and Rickard dotes on him.

Sansa is another matter entirely.

As she grows, her grandfather watches her like a hawk.

She was the sweetest young babe with red hair and sweet blue eyes. She never fusses when she's passed to another set of waiting arms, nor does she wail for extra milk or more attention. As she grows, her child like naïvety never fades. She is so innocent, quiet, unsure of herself, yet strong in a way that reminds him so much of Eddard that he has to force himself to quit speculating.

Children are all different, that's what his wife used to say when he pondered his two eldest sons. Brandon was always the wild one. The loud, forceful, quick-tempered, confidant son. Brandon was the picture of Rickard in his youth, and he often wondered where Eddard's traits had come from. Sansa may look a Tully, but she is Eddard to the bone.

Rickard can only hope it is a result of raising, rather than breeding.

...

When Catelyn confronts him about Barbrey Rhywell, he cannot contain his laughter.

"You slept with her, Brandon. You slept with her while we were together and you never told me," Catelyn insists, looking genuinely hurt. She stares at him accusingly. "You dishonored me! She lives in this town, I see her at the bank every week and I never thought anything of it until now. How am I supposed to face her now, knowing –''

Bitter rage courses through Brandons veins, urging the wolf blood to flow free and wild. "_I've _dishonored _you_?" His laugh is filled with an indescribable rage that Catelyn flinches. "If I am able to face _my brother_ every day, you ought to be able to soldier through seeing Barb on Saturdays."

Catelyn is too shocked to speak.

...

Brandon throws himself into work.

He can't bear to look at his children. He knows it's wrong and that they are but five and three, too young to understand why their father barely glances at them. , can't bear to look at his son's Stark chin, or the slope of Sansa's eyes and wonder if they should be calling him uncle instead of father.

...

Ned slowly drifts away from his siblings, as helpless as a raft, drifting slowly out to sea. He is closer to Catelyn than ever.

...

Rickard Stark dies in his sleep on a Thursday, the morning of Sansa's fourth birthday party.

Brandon holds his brother close as Ned sobs in his shoulder, and for a few moments – as Ned fists Brandon's shirt, and his older brother rubs soothing circles on his back – it as if they are brothers again.

...

Lyanna will never forgive Ned for doing this to Brandon and tells him so.

"I never thought you would be the one to ruin us. I always figured it would be me."

...

Brandon is the one who taught Ned to ride a bike. He taught him how to shoot a puck, to do long division and to climb a tree. He let him win races, let him sit on his shoulders to see at the Christmas parade and bought him his first explicit magazine. He watched out for him at school, and beat the crap out of any kid who ever teased him.

Brandon's always been close to his brother, and kept in touch with him while he was away. He loves his youngest siblings, but he has always had this ... bond with Ned. When he was away at The Eyrie, a fancy boarding school down south in the mountains, he sent him emails nearly every day, a fact he knew his siblings were unaware of.

He remembers writing Ned about a girl he'd met at a party, a girl called Catelyn Tully who he really liked, and was anxious for Ned to meet next time he came back. Catelyn was different from his usual type. She's the first girl he's ever been with that he actually imagined a future with. Brandon is full of rock and roll, and driving too fast, and hot racing tempers; all of which are no good when it comes to building a future. Catelyn is his opposite, she cools his heat, and he thought he could trust her with his future.

He still loves her, regardless of everything and it hurts _every_ day.

...

"She looks like me," Ned mutters, gazing at his brand new niece. _Arya, _he reminds himself. _Her name is Arya. _

Lyanna glances up briefly, stroking her daughter's cheek with her fingertip.

"More like Brandon, I think."

**_Let's hope she grows up to be more like Brandon._**

...

Catelyn can't help but wonder why Brandon hasn't let her yet. He obviously doesn't love Sansa and Robb. Maybe he stays because he doesn't want the hassle of a divorce, or because he doesn't want to hurt his brother. Perhaps he won't leave because Winterfell is his home, not hers. Maybe he doesn't want their marriage to be the newest piece of gossip in this god forsaken town scrutinized by everyone from the Septon to Robb's second grade teacher.

_It's because I still love you,_ Brandon whispers into her hair in the middle of the night, thinking she's asleep.

...

"I'll never love you."

"I know."

"I love him more."

"I know."

...

Why don't you leave?

The question is on the tip of everyone's tongue. On Catelyn`s, Ned's, Lyanna's, even his. They all have different answers. He still loves her, he`s protecting Robb and Sansa, he's a coward.

Benjen has grown wiser since his foolish thoughts of groomsmen at Brandon and Cat's wedding. He knows the real reason that Brandon hasn't left.

**It's because he loves you, Ned,** He thinks bitterly.

**Because he can't imagine life without you in it.**

...

Ned gingerly avoids being alone in his older brother presence, finding it easier to hide behind other people than address his brother directly. But when he stops over, intending to see Cat, and finds his brother alone in the house, there is nobody or nothing that can shield him from the depth of the betrayal in his brother's eyes.

_**I would have given you anything**, _his_ eyes seem to say.** Anything but her.**_

_..._

Once upon a time there were two brothers, one who shined and the other who glowed, unable to cast enough light to shine out the other.

Then along came a girl with eyes as bright as stars. The sun entranced her; it was all-encompassing, fiery, and brightened her dark world. Eventually the sun sets and the moon replaces it in the sky. The moon is just as important, just as guiding, yet softer.

Yet the moon is the not the only things the sun outshines. The only time the stars can really burn bright, is when the moon once again appears and gives them the chance.

...

Catelyn is pregnant again.

Nobody questions who the father is, not this time.

...

Ned and Brandon regard each other over the breakfast table on Christmas Day. Sansa and Robb are running about, giggling as their two-year old cousin crawls after them. Arya is not quite able to walk yet, and shrieks her displeasure at being left.

Ned has avoided Brandon's gaze all morning, but when he finally does catch his eye, there is nothing but warmth and ... forgiveness?

"Merry Christmas, brother."

...

Ned cannot remember the last time he drank with his older brother. It was in the pre- Catelyn part of his life, and it seems so long ago, even if it was only five years ago.

One too many tequila shots loosens his tongue dangerously. "Brandon?"

His brother looks at him with unfocused eyes. "Whats't Neddy?"

"I'm sorry," he chokes out. "I'm sorry for everything."

Silence follows his words, and even his heavily intoxicated self feels the urge to flee. Brandon catches his arm.

"I forgive you," he whispers, and it is Brandon who leaves his brother there, staring after him.

...

The phone rings in the middle of the night.

"Hello?" Catelyn mumbles, half asleep with Ned's arm wrapped tight around her waist.

"Catelyn? Catelyn ...'' Lyanna's voice is off pitch, shaky and Catelyn sits straight up, drowsiness forgotten. "It's, oh god, it's Brandon."

Her heart stops beating and she wants to scream "WHAT? WHATS BRANDON?" but the words catch in her throat, choking her.

Lyanna's sobbing now, and Ned is watching with frightened eyes, taking in her expression and what he is able to overhear.

"He's dead."

...

Brandon is dead.

...

They will later find out his car was hit by a drunk driver, just a kid who had one too many beers at a party and didn't want to call a taxi. Robb and Sansa wail all night when Catelyn gets home, stone faced and frozen from viewing her husband's body in the morgue.

Catelyn holds them, wondering where all her tears have gone.

...

Ned stays long after Catelyn, Lyanna and Ben leave. Lyanna leaves in Rhaegars arms, her loud sobs echoing in his mind. Benjen cries without a sound, unable to look away from his brother's face. He disappears without a word after their sister leaves.

Ned remains at the hospital. He walks, until his knees begin to shake so badly he can't walk anymore and he stumbles into the elevator. He leans against the wall and slides down slowly, his legs bent awkwardly beneath him. He is faintly aware of his heaving breaths, of his nails biting the skin of his palms. There is a ding, and a father and son get on. They don't seem to notice him, carrying on their conversation.

"Why'd you guys name him Brandon?" – Ned's heart jumps at the name – "You should have named him something cool, like Steve Rogers or Optimus Prime." The little boy tugs on his father hand.

His father chuckles and ruffles his son's hair. "Maybe mum will let you name the next baby? How about that?"

The little boy thinks about it, and then nods eagerly. "Okay! Daddy how long until Brandon can play with me?"

Smiling, his father replies "Ed, Brandon's a lot littler than you. You'll have to watch out for him and protect him."

"Of course I'll protect him! We'll be best friends until we're super old and wheeze like Grandpa Ted" the boy exclaims and Ned can't breathe. A ding signals they've reached the main floor, and Ned doesn't hear the rest of their conversation, the father scolds Ed for speaking badly about his grandpa.

...

"**I love you, baby brother. I won't ever let anyone hurt you."**

**I'm so sorry**, Ned wants to scream, but there's nobody to hear it.

...

Brandon Stark

_261 AL – 282 AL_

_Devoted Brother and Loving Friend_

_..._

Catelyn gives birth five months later, and when she looks up at Ned, Benjen and Catelyn from the hospital bed, she does not suggest a name for her – their – son, she commands one.

"Brandon."

...

They call him Bran.

...

**I was not kidding about loving angst. Thanks for reading!**


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